This is the question that I have been asking all morning (or week) to be honest. This weekend we had our annual ladies' retreat with the theme of "Beyond The Masquerade". It was awesome and a big blessing to me. God showed up and showed out. I felt his presence all weekend! I even stepped out of my comfort zone and gave a talk to all of the ladies' at a bonfire that we had. I didn't want to get up there and talk, but out of my obedience to the Lord (and my sister-in-law) I did. I didn't feel like i done good, actually I thought it was terrible after I got finished, but everyone who I talked to afterwards said I done a great job and they enjoyed it. I really hope they did. LOL
When I got home Sunday, I took a much needed nap then got up for church on Sunday night. Well it was when I woke up, that I realized that I had so many negative feelings and emotions about the weekend and even just myself. I had some of these feelings Saturday, but God came in and took control and renewed my spirit! I have this problem so much. Our retreat theme was about removing our mask that we wear to try to hide everything that goes on in our life. It was a lesson of being transparent with God and other Godly women in our lives. I have a very hard time doing this. Not because I don't want them to know what's going on, but because I don't want them to judge or look at me differently. Since I have been home, I have had a terrible feeling of soooo much that God intends for us not to have. I know that it's Satan and him trying to overwhelm me and fill me with many lies and things that aren't true. I have been through this so much in the last 3 years in my commitment to Christ. I have tried to overcome it and I have wore the mask for everyone to think that I was fine or have overcome it. I know that I can be so much more in Christ if I would quit allowing all of the lies from Satan to interfere. I try to quit believing them and I try to block them out, but for some reason it keeps coming back. Harder and harder every time. I have been reading a book by Renee Swope called "A Confident Heart". It has been a very good book and fits me perfectly. I am a little behind right now. I keep asking myself and God "why, oh why do I keep going through this?" I want to be the happy and joyful person that God calls me to me and that I can be through him!
This is not what I intended on writing when I decided to write today, but I know God has a plan and purpose for me writing it. If you ever think that you are the only person going through something or having some issues that christian women shouldn't have, then you are wrong. We just always tend to wear our "masks" to hide it and cover it up. I have been fully committed to Christ for almost 4 years now. I have had some great blessings and times, but I have also had some bad times. But I know that God never said it would be easy to follow and trust him but it will be worth it.
Our key verse for the retreat this weekend was Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame". If you ever feel that you're to ashamed to talk or share how you're feeling or what you're going through, just remember this verse.
Trying to be transparent for God,
Rebecca
